Friday, March 29, 2013

Who is This Guy?

First off, I’d like to commend you for your bravery and honesty.  The stigma attached to online dating is antiquated and more than a little silly.  We live in the future so we should meet our mates in futuristic type ways.  One day soon we’ll be able to create our companions using computers and robotics, but until that day we have to put up with women and meeting them can be fairly tricky.  I briefly dabbled in online dating and by dabbled I mean I posted a craigslist ad looking for dates for me and my two roommates because I was scared to go alone.  Then when we actually found some ladies to go out with us we chickened out.  Totally lame!!!  You sir, are a man…sort of.

I like how your profile starts.  It’s a picture of you sitting on a wooden fence, giant bushy beard being giant and bushy, white t-shirt on, sexy look in eye.  Wow!  This is a man.  I want to date this dude.  I might have gone with a different white t-shirt, one that exposed slightly less of your upper arm hair and hugged your biceps a little more, but hey, you’re into honesty and you’re a man so you don’t have time to worry about such nonsense.

The first few sentences of your profile's “about me” section are of critical importance.  They’re your headline, your attention grabber.  So, what does yours say about you?  Well, it says you really like crappy movies and at least one good but largely unwatched television show.  You reference the Jean Claude Van Damme masterpiece Bloodsport, I’m not sure a female human being has ever seen this movie.  You then go on to a nice little, slightly veiled Taken reference, or is it Taken 2?  I can’t be sure, as I never saw the second.  But at least you like Friday Night Lights which is good, but no one has ever seen it, so it’s unlikely this has any meaning to your readers.  She will just assume you’re talking about the crappy movie version starring Billy Bob Thornton.  Later in the post you point out that a character was also in John Carter, yet another crappy movie.  Buddy, we get it, you like crappy movies.

So this takes us to my next point, if I'm a girl I'm wondering why this guy likes crappy movies so much.  The way I see it there are 3 options, 1) You enjoy unintentional comedy. 2) You're a negative person who likes to talk about how stupid things are (very hipster like). 3) You smoke a lot of pot.  I know you, so I would assume the answer is number one, but your long rambling break down of the plot line of Battleship imply some combination of 2 and 3.  So you've now alienated a large portion of the female adult human population by making them believe you're a negative, hipster stoner guy.  At this point your reader may look back at your picture with a bit of a double take, wondering, "Is that sexy mysterious look in his eye because he's stoned?  Is that a manly beard or an ironic hipster beard?  Are those skinny jeans?  I wish this picture didn't cut off before his ankles so I could be certain."  If a reader has come this far, which is unlikely, she will probably finish your post either out of some kind of morbid curiosity of where this is going or because she is really attracted to hipster stoner guys.  You conclude your initial flurry of bad movie consciousness by apologizing to and thanking the sun and then taking a nap.  My brain hurts a little.  I'll be back after I catch a few ZZZs and recuperate then we'll take a look at these bullet points of yours.
Sexy Man Beard or...
Dirty Hipster Beard?

I'm back.  My responses are from the point of view of  a prospective mate.

-I don't actually take naps, that was a lie
     -God Damn it!  The one thing we had going for us was that we can nap together, now I find out this guy doesn't nap and he's a liar.  I wonder if he will judge me for napping and lie to me about important things.

- I don't lie, except that one time, just a couple of moments ago, and I am truly sorry for my actions.
     -I'm pretty confused now.  I guess he still doesn't nap, but he may or may not actually be a liar.  At the very least he's capable of apology so I guess that's good.

-I think babies lack of understanding of basic mathematical principles is adorable.
     -Is this guy a math nerd?  I bet he is.  He must be one of those dorks that just sits around judging others and doing math.  Does he like babies or not though?  I'm a woman and babies are really important to me and this guy won't take fatherhood seriously enough.

- While I believe that the fact that The Creation Museum received state funding via tax exemptions is patently absurd, I simultaneously believe that I kind of wish I believed that people and dinosaurs lived together and were super best friends.
      -Okay, this guy is definitely a nerd.  He seems really into dinosaurs, or is he?  I don't know what "I simultaneously believe that I kind of wish I believed" actually means.  He hates closed minded people that don’t believe in evolution though and that’s a good thing.  I'm going to choose to ignore the confusing nature of the dinosaur thing.

-I don't know why onesies and fanny packs aren't more popular than they are.
      -This guy is a really weird mix of things and I'm guessing he's not that fashion forward.  A fanny pack could come in handy though because it will be like he's carrying my purse around his waste.  Does he wear
Hulk is also confused by the fanny pack's lack of popularity
onesies with or without the built in footies?  The footies are a deal breaker for me.  I'm not sleeping with a guy in footies no matter how gosh darn cute he is.

-I'm not ambidextrous but I do some things righty and some things lefty.  It's confusing sometimes but I think I've finally got a pretty decent handle on it.
      -Ohhh, I bet he could do some interesting things sexually with this ability.  Despite what he says, if he's thinking that much about this, he probably doesn't have the best handle on it, so we might have to experiment around a little but 4 fully coordinated limbs has to be better than the normal two that most guys have. 
      -As an aside I am right handed and left footed.  Or I'm actually left handed but I was taught to do everything with my right.  I'm pretty confused by it too.  Sometimes people tell me to do something based on being right handed, but the really mean right footed.  When this happens I don't know what to do and I feel disadvantaged and confused.  I wouldn't put that in a dating profile though, but I share your pain.

Okay, buddy, so now it's time for me to do a quick breakdown of what I think all of this means about you.  It means two things as far as I can tell, it means I like you.  I appreciate your odd sense of humor, your interesting choices in facial hair and fashion, your political beliefs and that you're both a man's man and a thinking man.  But I also think this means that you're sabotaging yourself.  Do you have low self esteem or something?  Do you feel funny about this whole online dating thing? Because I don't think you're actually trying to score dates with this.  Or maybe you just want a hipster stoner chic who likes onesies and bad movies.  I'm so confused.

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