Tuesday, August 28, 2012

The Jewish Descapegoation Plan - Phase 1

Impressive introduction hipster. Not impressive enough however to merit the ever-desired capital H prior to your desired label/persona. Maybe if a little more effort were put into the important aspects of life (i.e everything), then you and your comrades could finally become a welcome part of society. Until then, however, you will be loathed and despised, because, come on, really? Biking in skinny jeans on a 103 degree summer day? WTF.

Anyhow, without giving any more attention than has already been drawn towards this segment of humanity who thrive to do nothing more than represent everything they are attempting to avoid representing, let us focus on the true purpose of this blog: Scapegoat Transition.

With a fairly negative/prosecution-heavy history going as far back as memory serves , Jews around the world have been seeking a NES-Inspired-Flashing-Screen-Envoking-Reset-Button. A restart to all the negative events in history that have plagued our every step: Jesus’ Death (he did kinda screw us). The Holocaust. These guys (Thanks for that one Miss Rowling). A new group of individuals who shall finally free us from all the adversity to which we have succumbed, and ultimately allow us to take over world’s finances in peace. And Hollywood. We rock that sh*t.

Leading us to our new revolution

Not leading us to our new revolution

Before commencing our less-than-secretive descapegoation plan (don’t worry, Webster will be adding that badboy within the year), I present you with a few ground rules for this “initiative”:

1. Jews from the East Coast don’t count. They could quite possibly be worse than hipsters.

2. Jews with “ultra-strong” beliefs do not count either. They are kinda cray cray.

3. Hollywood “Fraction” Jews DO count (1/8 of Zac Efron!)

4. Jewish Hipsters have 30 days to pick a side.

5. Genocide is off-limits. Sorry psycho readers… try hugging someone, might make you feel a bit better.

Over the next until-we-get-bored-and-stop-writing-blog-posts number of days/weeks/months/eras, I shall help push our cause, and show the world how truly scapegoatable hipsters really are. All the while promoting the unbelievable freshocity of my own Jewish brethren. Need I remind you?

hipsters: May the odds be ever in your favor (that is of course if you actually believe in statistics -- they are kinda mainstream)

Your turn my good friend Mr. Diez. Your turn.


Monday, August 27, 2012

Suspenders Are Acceptable But Only If Acquired Second Hand

It's a story all too familiar and all too real. Visceral and heart wrenching yet coolly reasoned and   delightful. A tale of intrigue, a tale of loathing, of backstabbing and deception. Mere enmity? Nay. It is perhaps the oldest rivalry known to man. Some even say it's the oldest rivalry in the history of the world. Well folks, the time has come to lay out the facts, and, as such, the time has come to settle the score once and for all. This is the tale of the Hipsters and the Jews. The Hipsters (always capitalized, respect) and the Jews have been at odds (mostly ironically of course) for thousands, if not millions of years. This may seem like mostly conjecture, and, well, perhaps that's because it is. But then again, perhaps this skepticism is merely a failure of our much maligned and woefully inadequate system of education in this fine country. My unyielding prowess in logical reasoning tells me that if you were home schooled this may be a familiar tale, but alas, if you were not the subject of a social experimentation rendered unto you by your chromosome givers then all you must do is this. Rid yourself of prejudice, suspend all disbelief, and prepare yourself for a knowledge bomb when I tell you that it all started when...

... the pteranodon first took flight. Yes, you read that correctly, and yes, I am absolutely going Cretaceous on your asses. If Don Bluth's documentary is an accurate representation of historical fact, which I can only assume it is, then Bluth may have indeed discovered the first Hipster to grace this fine planet. Petrie, the spindly and totally EMO "Flying Dino" (as he was called in his post LB4T circus days), was a Hipster of the finest feather (or anti-feather, as they called it way back when). An emotional roller coaster. A tightly wound ball of nervous creative energy. The ability to fly when extremely frightened. Comic relief. The initial scorn but ultimate acceptance of his closest friends and family. Hipster. Cera on the other hand may be our very first Jew. Possessing little more than the ability to whine and be easily offended, Cera is a real drag on the gang throughout their entire counter-factual journey. You know, Jew stuff. Cera also, horrifyingly, loves smashing beetles. Of course, and this should go without saying, the Beetle is sacred to all Hipsters, and thus The Great Beetle Smashing Incident at the ravine led directly led to the rift that would last until the end of time.

In the end, Petrie learns to fly, wins the respect of each and every one of his friends and family members, is hilarious, and he done talks funny to boot! Cera just mopes and whines and smashes beetles. I guess she "learns" to play well with others but if I had to guess, she secretly still loathes her fellow dinosaurs and simply 

Edge: Hipsters.

Fast forward a few geological blinks of an eye to 33 A.D. Perhaps the most famous Jew of all time (excluding Harvey Weinstein) Jesus Christ (our main man) meets his demise. While the Romans did the "deed" as it were, a big assist more certainly went to that irrascable Hipster Judas Iscariot. Judas a Hipster you say? Well, they tell me he had Satan entered Judas, and, frankly, that's good enough for me. Every Hipster has a little demon in him, that's how the Hipster's got their funk/groove. And unlike Stella (big ups Angela Bassett), they will never give it up. Anyhow, we all know the story, J.C. started up some culty thing and Judas got sick of all of his hopey changey preachy crap so he did what any major league asshole would do and went all Benedict Arnold on his behind (they did not call it Benedict Arnolding back then). Well, the Romans banged out the whole Crucifixion thing and it looked like Judas would win the day, you know, with him being alive and Jesus being dead. But Jesus would have the last laugh, pulling of the very first David Blaine and resurrecting himself all while becoming more popular and powerful than ever! And even though he was no longer a Jewish dude at this point, I'll be damned if Jews don't still love the guy!

Edge: Jews.

Historical Statistical Relevant Indisputable Result: Dead Heat. Not to be confused with White Heat, White Lightning, or White Chocolate (person not food), which I can only assume is a confusion that you have already experienced. I have as well, all too often in fact.

Now that we have covered the history of this blood feud, let us commence with the beginning of the end times (it being entirely possible that the end times last forever of course). This final battle shall commence thusly. Mark the Jew and Matthew the Hipster will go tête-à-tête in what will perhaps be one of the greatest dueling keyboard battles of all time (note: strictly non-musical category since, as we all know, the epic Vitalij Kuprij/Zoot Money battle of 1983 is, perhaps, the greatest single battle in all of human history).

Will the Hipsters emerge smugly stroking their collective ironically waxed mustaches while simultaneously being perplexed as to whether the Black Keys are sell-outs or if their embracing of being sell-outs reverses the selling-outness of their selling-out all while staring vacantly through non-prescription thick rimmed eyeglasses or will the Jews do whatever Jews do when a celebratory mood is afoot (I guess this?!)? Only time and the annals of history will tell. Your move my Jewish arch enemy friend. Your move. Your people are counting on you. Let the games begin!