It's a story all too familiar and all too real. Visceral and heart wrenching yet coolly reasoned and delightful. A tale of intrigue, a tale of loathing, of backstabbing and deception. Mere enmity? Nay. It is perhaps the oldest rivalry known to man. Some even say it's the oldest rivalry in the history of the world. Well folks, the time has come to lay out the facts, and, as such, the time has come to settle the score once and for all. This is the tale of the
Hipsters and the
Jews. The Hipsters (always capitalized,
respect) and the Jews have been at odds (mostly ironically of course) for thousands, if not millions of years. This may seem like mostly conjecture, and, well, perhaps that's because it is. But then again, perhaps this skepticism is merely a failure of our much maligned and woefully inadequate system of education in this fine country. My unyielding prowess in logical reasoning tells me that if you were home schooled this may be a familiar tale, but alas, if you were not the subject of a social experimentation rendered unto you by your chromosome givers then all you must do is this. Rid yourself of prejudice, suspend all disbelief, and prepare yourself for a knowledge bomb when I tell you that it all started when...
... the
pteranodon first took flight. Yes, you read that correctly, and yes, I am absolutely going
Cretaceous on your asses. If
Don Bluth's documentary is an accurate representation of historical fact, which I can only assume it is, then Bluth may have indeed discovered the first Hipster to grace this fine planet. Petrie, the spindly and
totally EMO "Flying Dino" (as he was called in his post LB4T circus days), was a Hipster of the finest feather (or anti-feather, as they called it way back when). An emotional roller coaster. A tightly wound ball of nervous creative energy. The ability to fly when extremely frightened. Comic relief. The initial scorn but ultimate acceptance of his closest friends and family. Hipster.
Cera on the other hand may be our very first Jew. Possessing little more than the ability to whine and be easily offended, Cera is a real drag on the gang throughout their entire counter-factual journey. You know, Jew stuff. Cera also, horrifyingly, loves smashing beetles. Of course, and this should go without saying, the Beetle is sacred to all Hipsters, and thus The Great Beetle Smashing Incident at the ravine led directly led to the rift that would last until the end of time.
In the end, Petrie learns to fly, wins the respect of each and every one of his friends and family members, is hilarious, and he done talks funny to boot! Cera just mopes and whines and smashes beetles. I guess she "learns" to play well with others but if I had to guess, she secretly still loathes her fellow dinosaurs and simply
Edge: Hipsters.
Fast forward a few geological blinks of an eye to 33 A.D. Perhaps the most famous Jew of all time (excluding Harvey Weinstein) Jesus Christ (our main man) meets his demise. While the Romans did the "deed" as it were, a big assist more certainly went to that irrascable Hipster
Judas Iscariot. Judas a Hipster you say? Well, they tell me he had Satan entered Judas, and, frankly, that's good enough for me. Every Hipster has a little demon in him, that's how the Hipster's got their funk/groove. And unlike
Stella (big ups Angela Bassett), they will never give it up. Anyhow, we all know the story, J.C. started up some
culty thing and Judas got sick of all of his hopey changey preachy crap so he did what any major league asshole would do and went all Benedict Arnold on his behind (they did not call it Benedict Arnolding back then). Well, the Romans banged out the whole Crucifixion thing and it looked like Judas would win the day, you know, with him being alive and Jesus being dead. But Jesus would have the last laugh, pulling of the very first David Blaine and resurrecting himself all while becoming more popular and powerful than ever! And even though he was no longer a Jewish dude at this point, I'll be damned if Jews don't
still love the guy!
Edge: Jews.
Historical Statistical Relevant Indisputable Result: Dead Heat. Not to be confused with
White Heat,
White Lightning, or
White Chocolate (person not food), which I can only assume is a confusion that you have already experienced. I have as well, all too often in fact.
Now that we have covered the history of this blood feud, let us commence with the beginning of the end times (it being entirely possible that the end times last forever of course). This final battle shall commence thusly. Mark the Jew and Matthew the Hipster will go tête-à-tête in what will perhaps be one of the greatest
dueling keyboard battles of all time (note: strictly non-musical category since, as we all know, the epic Vitalij Kuprij/Zoot Money battle of 1983 is, perhaps, the greatest single battle in all of human history).
Will the Hipsters emerge smugly stroking their collective ironically waxed mustaches while simultaneously being perplexed as to whether the
Black Keys are sell-outs or if their embracing of being sell-outs reverses the selling-outness of their selling-out all while staring vacantly through non-prescription thick rimmed eyeglasses or will the Jews do whatever Jews do when a celebratory mood is afoot (I guess
this?!)? Only time and the annals of history will tell. Your move my Jewish arch enemy friend. Your move. Your people are counting on you. Let the games begin!
