Thursday, March 14, 2013

Profiles In Courage (Online Dating Edition)

Alternatively titled: How To Create A Dating Profile That Your Friends And Nobody Else Will Love 

Online dating. It's a thing. It's a real thing. It's a really legitimate thing. It's a legitimately great thing. People meet people they never would have met without it. People make friends. People make whoopie. People find love. Blah blah blah, yeah yeah yeah. It's amazing really. Although I personally think that we probably should have stuck with creating awkward VHS videos of ourselves being asses, hi mom, it turns out that the technology of dating has advanced at the proverbial speed of light. While I'd like to think that we, as daters, have evolved right along with it, well, I'm just not so sure that we have. So here we are, in the future, and we've got dating sites for everything (but still no fucking hoverboards). Every ethnicity, age, profession, creed, credo (!!!), size, shape, sexual orientation, gender identity, whatever this is and even marriage status. Like I sometimes always say, different strokes for different strokes. It's wonderful. It makes me smile. Dig it? Dig it good.

So dear reader, all zero of you, as you are well aware, I do indeed have fun having fun. I'm also sad and lonely and wookin' pa nub in all the wrong places. As such, and with a little prodding from some individuals who shall not be named, I thought it would be a fine idea to dip my feet into the online dating waters and see what all the fuss was about. The first step in this process is, well, obviously enough, to create a captivating and compelling profile that will attract hordes of admirers. Being blessed with an extremely attractive physique and positively compelling personality I thought this would be a piece of cake. As I set myself to the task I realized that this would be far more difficult than it seemed. So, I said to myself, "self, fuck it, just do whatever you want, and hey, if someone, somehow, likes it, then, well, bully for you!" And you know what? That's what I did. And more than that? I even happen to like it! The only downside is that I'm pretttttty sure it's not really fit for the consumption or enjoyment of a stranger. Ironically, and unfortunately, this happens to literally be the ONLY thing that this exercise is meant for. However, I do not happen to fancy myself to be the arbiter of all things fit for consumption, so I've enlisted the help of my blogging partner in crime to dissect, analyze, and opine on what I'm offering to the single women of the online datingsphere. While I most certainly am not willing to disseminate my username and password to my dear friend due to the high likelihood that, in the wrong hands (and probably in the right ones as well) it would certainly lead to nefarious activity, I am willing to display my pertinent information for the viewing pleasure of the very small number of individuals who frequent this useless but extraordinarily groundbreaking blog.

Without (much) further ado, I present to you, my personal Profile In Courage. Though it would tickle me pink to do so, I will refrain from adding any comments/explanations and just give you the meat and potatoes. The following is a true story:

Username: PickledDelicious (<--- WHAT?? Dear god! Ok, ONE comment)

Obligatory "Main" Photo:

About Me:
So I watched the movie Battleship the other day and I’ve got more than a few things that I’d like to get off my chest. First of all, and this may come as a shock to some of you, this movie does not involve pegs, letter/number coordinates, or the phrase “you sank my Battleship.” Needless to say, this was wildly disappointing. It’s not that I was necessarily expecting a Bloodsport style Kumate wherein Liam Neeson utilizes his particular set of skills, unmatched guile, and ability to come back from seemingly insurmountable odds to be able to ultimately vanquish Rihanna and a bunch of dudes from Friday Night Lights in a round robin tournament of board game Battleship but, well, I was certainly hoping for some sort of facsimile of this general plot. It turns out it’s some Marines and some people on some tropical island including a dude with awesome metal legs (which, we should note, were in fact very cool to have in the world we once lived in, or, as I like to call it, the pre-Oscar Pretorius Murder/Accident world, such an innocent time) who are in a fight against aliens that can only be defeated by a battleship that happens to be nearby utilizing the Captain’s (John Carter/Tim Riggins of course) fortunately idiotic interpretation of some Sun Tzu wisdom from The Art of War. Oh, and also, the aliens have to squint really hard when their alien sunglasses are off because, I don’t know, their planet it pretty dark or something. This is startlingly important. I think I started hallucinating at one point but somehow a group of 80 year old Marines show up and help de-sunglass all of the aliens which leads to victory and explosions and the preservation of the entire world. There may or may not have been an ad-hoc Rihanna concert that helped to finish them off when she hit a heretofore unheard of decibel level at just the right frequency and pitch and shattered the rest of the alien sunglasses causing them to squint so hard they exploded right then and there (there definitely wasn’t, but there probably should have been). I guess the moral of the story is that the sun is great and we should never take it for granted? As far as morals go, that’s not so bad. It reminded me of that one time in the winter when I was getting pale and I went somewhere warm and got a bit of color but didn’t appropriately attribute that color to the rays that the sun provided me. As I realized this I started feeling bad about it. So, sun, I guess I owe you an apology. I hope it’s not too late, but thanks sun, you’re the best. Though the Mayans may have made a mistake about the apocalypse, maybe they were right to believe that the Sun God is not to be trifled with.

I feel better now, drained but better. I think I’ll have a nap.

Ok, back from the nap, feeling better AND rested, which is nice. Other “me” things include:

- I don’t actually take naps, that was a lie.

- I don’t lie, except that one time, just a couple of moments ago, and I am truly sorry for my actions.

- I think babies’ lack of understanding of basic mathematical principles is adorable.

- While I believe that the fact that The Creation Museum received state funding via tax exemptions is patently absurd, I simultaneously believe that I kind of wish I believed that people and dinosaurs lived together and were super best friends.

- I don’t know why onesies and fanny packs aren’t more popular than they are.

-  I’m not ambidextrous but I do some things righty and some things lefty. It’s confusing sometimes but I think I’ve finally got a pretty decent handle on it.

About you then eh? To be completely honest, I pretty much enjoy the company of everyone who wasn’t involved in creation of Battleship the movie, so if you can get behind that then we very well just might get along. And I guess, as long as we’re on this whole honesty binge, if you have read this entire thing and think that it somehow made any sort of sense, then you earn a gold star, which means that I probably think that you are just aces.

Aaaaaand CUT! There you have it. The time for analysis is nigh. Goodnight and good luck.

- D

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